Early Morning Smoke Out @ The Post Office

I was sure that if i spent enough time at the post office this was going to happen. I had already delivered a coconut, seen live birds go through the office and delivered butterflies in a box but today was interesting.

I stepped in to the office, clocked in, checked my schedule and did everything as usual yet i began to smell …the smell, the smell of a garden…but a special kind of garden. I assumed that plants were being delivered today or something else until i went to a different section of the office and was included in this conversation:

Joe the mail man: hey do you smell that?

me: yeah…

Joe the mail man: what does it smell like to you?

me: ….like weed

Joe the mail man: ha ha! yea it is, look….. (as he hands me a white envelope with a bulge at the  bottom)

And so it was, a person who was at least smart enough not to put a return address decided to send Marijuana through the mail. The smell was very strong and smelled delicious but really?!?!?!?

THE ENTIRE OFFICE SMELLED LIKE WEED!!!! IT WAS EXTREMELY OBVIOUS!!!! YOU DIDNT THINK THAT BY PUTTING IT IN A ZIPLOC BAG AND THEN IN A REGULAR WHITE ENVELOPE IT WOULD ATTRACT SUSPICION ?

IT SMELLS SUPER FUNKY

Shout out to OG Mailman Newman, yes we do control Information

Hot girls will never ask you in, Never!

I dont care what fantasies the media and society has put in our heads but a hot girl will never come to the door and say thing like “oh that is quite a package” or “i cant find a pen, come inside and help me look for one…naked”

I stopped at an albertsons to get some lunch and while i was at the deli the guy getting me a piece of chicken asked me if i liked the job, i ofcourse said yes, he then said the lamest thing in the world “I bet theres a lot of lonely house wives huh?, and they say oh can you keep me company?….ha ha…if it was me ide be like yeaaaaah daddy will keep you company”   yeah im serious thats exactly what he said. so to the guy @ the deli @ Albertsosn  dedicate this list to you

1- You will never deliver mail or a package to a house at the same time a group of college aged girls is having a slumber party and it will never erupt in a slow motion sexy pillow fight.

2-A “lonely Housewife” will never come to the door and offer you sex…just like that…out of nowhere just offer you sex…it will never happen.

3-an attractive naked woman will never open the door.

4-Two girls will never come to the door, begin kissing each other and then ask you to join them.

5-An attractive woman will never come to the door in her towel after she took a shower.

6-an attractive woman will never spill her coffee on your uniform and then invite you in to her house with promises of cleaning your house and other stuff too.

7-people may give you bottles of water, they may give you cans of coca cola and @ christmas they may give you sugar cookies but they will never ever ever touch you or give you sex.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE THAT OPEN DOORS LOOK LIKE THIS

I know its your house, please wear pants

When i deliver mail that requires a signature to a persons home it never hapens like in the  movies. Attractive women never come to the door dresses in revealing garments or maybe even naked…IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!

Instead the type of people who come to the door are old lady’s, old men, small annoying children and the never ending horrendous barking of small dogs who tell their owners some one is at the door.

I knew it had to even to eventually happen and it did A LARGE MAN CAME TO THE DOOR IN HIS UNDERWEAR. I knocked on the door and waited about a minute until i heard somebody walking towards the door. A piece of door drape slid to the side and i saw and eye looking at me, probably making sure i wasn’t some crazy person or even Mormon’s or Jahova’s Wintess. The door opened and all i saw was 2 legs, thunder thighs, my eyes kept going higher and i became scared. At the door was a man who probably weighed 250 pounds with only a polo shirt on and his tight white underwear. i was scared he wasn’t wearing underwear because the polo shirt went to song it looked like a skirt. He had to sign a lot of papers so it was hard for me to find places to place my eyes…please wear pants.

The Day After…Memorial Day

Nothing in this world is free, there is a price to pay for everything you enjoy. Memorial day was ok, it was nice to have a monday off and have a three day weekend but once i go tot he post office…the smile on my face was gone. this is how it works…no mail is delivered on monday because of the holiday…ALL THE MAIL IS BACKED UP SO WE MUST DELIVER 2 DAYS WORTH OF MAIL IN ONE DAY AND IN THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME!!!!!!

It was horrible, it took me 7 hours to deliver 4 hours of mail and i didnt even take a lunch break, then again i rarely ever do. stupid holidays

My infatuation with Big Chested Hot Asian Girl

There is a girl who lives on one of my routes, but oh no, she is not a normal girl, she is indeed pretty nice, yes…she does have big breasts, shes asian and thats all i know. The point is that i would see her once in a while yet only see her for about 10 seconds because she would make her way from her car in to the apartment complex very fast. But when i go deliver to the apartment complex i dont know what apartment is hers, I Know, sounds like im stalking the girl now but hey…you try and deliver mail for 5 hours and all the human contact is from retired old ladys and the cuban guy who stops to talk to me.

One time i was at an intersection and looked to my left and “Hot Girl” was there, and she looked at me and i looked back then the light turned green and i had to drive away.

I created a fantasy world for me and “Hot big chested asian girl” yet it was crushed one day by a man i will only refer to as “The one we do not speak of”

I was delivering mail on her street recently and i saw her car coming down the street, so im like “nice, im gonna get to see hot asian girl” but no! some guy got out of the car. What the hell are you doing driving her car?

My infatuation with “hot big chested asian girl” was crushed. I returned to delivering my mail but now in a hostile mood, fabricating a story such hot asian girl had cheated on me and now we dont talk.

The Cuban man and his Segway…Oye Chico

I See him coming from a distance, walking in the morning with small weights in his hands (as if they are really heavy or they really make a difference) So…most of the time i see him coming towards me down the street, other times he just surprises me as i am getting the  mail ready to deliver on that street. Regardless of how we meet each other on that day his side of the conversation is always

“oye chico este trabajo esta de pinga te deberian dar unos de esos, de esas chingaderas esas electricas un como se llama…un segway haci puedes llevar el correo y no te cansas chico, ya tu sabe”

The English  translation to his repeatabale monologue is

“Dude, get a segway…you can deliver the mail much easier”

even though the idea of a segway sounds nice and when i see the police it looks like they are enjoying themselves, delivering the mail would not be that easy, Segway’s dont jump over bushes, gardens, 2 foot walls and the occassional cat who is too lazy to move out of my way.

Cynical Mail: The Prelude

I am in my early 20’s, male, I am A Mail Man. Now my situation is different than the average mail man who might deliver envelopes to your house or office. Does your mail man play Jay-Z, Lil Wayne or Kanye West as they at times not so kindly rapidly shove letters in to your mail box? I would find it difficult and boring to perform this job without a radio or any type of music. I am sarcastic, I am Skeptical, I am polite, I am losing weight, I am getting a tan, I am at times prematurely senile, I am in love with music I am your mail man

I hope you all enjoy your time at this blog as i share my daily tales of mail delivery, over analyzing  and people who make me go crazy

(DRUM ROLL) And the upcoming attractions are!!!!!!!

1. Customers who watch porn with the door open
2. The Cuban man who talks yet i don’t understand what he says
3. “Single moms do not hit on me, Just give me my chicken Albertson’s deli boy!”
4. I’m trying to have lunch, no i don’t want to smoke with you
5. Delivering mail at night, the vampires come out
6. Fine!!!!! i will stop walking through your plants, Happy?
7. Hip Hop was made for mail delivery